Lurrrve is in the air.

Sneak preview.

As we stood waiting for a cab, we chatted, and it was almost like "old times". Perhaps, she was reacting to the benign vibes that I've been consciously emitting in her presence. Perhaps, she was just feeling less guarded with the coming festivities. Perhaps, it was just an elaborate act. Shrug. "Trust no one."

Meanwhile, the one-legged race continues. Unfortunately, the force is strong in this one. He wanted to "lunch-date" me on Chinese New Year's Eve - I declined. It should be obvious enough after a few more closed doors, yes? Still, I'm dreading a certain day in February, and I'm prepared to conjure an imaginery date. Yeah, SF, TAG! You're IT!


Appetisers.

Our "sexy threesome" at Fullerton's Post Bar for the new beer, Touché, started slow. It was mostly an expat crowd, with a number of frumpy English-looking uncles, checking out the local action, while their own kind languished in a corner, trying to look like they were having fun. And then, there were the gay men. Where were all the straight, Chinese men?

Still, drinks were on the house until 10pm, so everyone was happy and high, including yours sincerely.

After exchanging a few looks with something Chinese that looked decent AND not gay, he found an opening to talk, while the poser alarm started to beep softly in my head, or rather his - where his shades were "stylishly" perched; isn't that just so... 90s? 'Nuff said. At one point, the obviously Singaporean-born poser, which came dubbed in Brit English, asked in French, if I could speak the language. "No, I don't." Not impressed. Snort.

Then, there was Julien. He reminded me of Enzo because both are French, forward and in finance, except he was really tall, slim and cute. The unabashed gazing was there too - but this time, I was more confident of myself, and went with the flow. It also helped that he was really cute. Heh.


Mains.

As nobody felt like an early night, ST, SF and I made our way to Lola across the street - to find it closed. The strange thing is that, sometimes, a closed door can lead to an open door further down the road, literally. We bumped into J, who was trying his luck with Centro - also closed. Somehow, we ended up making our way to Siam Supper Club together - because the all-seeing SF spotted J's buddy, D, waiting in his car. Yeah, you could say we picked up the guys - and obviously, they were happy enough to be picked up. Heh.

Suffice to say that the fun and laughter continued into the night, all the way until five in the morning, until our jaws ached from all that laughing. J & D were good company. There was also a lot of ego-stroking - when SF and I exchanged identity cards with the Dragon Lads to prove that we were indeed "older women". Maybe we really didn't look our age, or as Rainy once said: "...behaving like they're in their late 20s." Heh. And chivalry is certainly not dead when it comes to younger men - D sent both of us home even though he had a headache and his home was not on the way.

(I'm just a little bothered that one of them smells like the EX-communicated, after a bath.)


Sweets.

There's something in the air - what SF describes as seasonal ups and downs in each person's life. It might not be true love a-calling, but things are looking good ;-)

Adjustments.

Sparing the rod.

She stammered a lame excuse about the press launch, which she only told me 24 hours in advance to ask if I could attend, though she had already received the invitation a few days before. When I pointed out her obvious lapse in judgement, she immediately became defensive, and made the unfortunate slip of tongue that it was a 'personal' invitation.

It would have been well within my right and duty to put her in her place, and to correct her misconceptions about 'personal' favours and official business. A harsh reprimand would also have been a quick and efficient check on future lapses.

But I took a few seconds to consider her defensive stance, and decided that going on the offensive might not be, shall we say, the 'best' approach.

Nevermind that she would have happily used the incident as another instance that I was 'abusing my power'. She would still have told everyone so - even if I had chosen more neutral words. (And she did seek out a 'listening ear' right after.)

I did it for myself. It would have been so easy to let anger sweep me into the same maelstrom of fear and hatred that she is in (and doesn't seem to be getting out of, anytime soon). There are also more practical concerns - I just don't have enough time and energy to watch, worry and counter her every move, while more important (and less petty) priorities need my attention. I thought about how I had, for almost three years, conveniently and willingly given up shared ground and allowed her to take liberties that she now assumes to be her right. I know that it would not be easy to regain lost ground, and in playing this frustrating catch-up, it would be just as easy for me to overcompensate for my own previous lapse of judgement by 'abusing my power'.

So, I chose to set aside my anger while I corrected her misconception with some firm words, and then followed up with a 'clarification' to the event organiser.


Power is a lonely place to be.

I think that sometimes, people abuse their power not because of an innate greed. But as you climb the increasingly narrow steps of the corporate ladder, and your peers decrease in numbers, people will also distance themselves from you for various reasons. It can be easy then to turn to power to vindicate these 'rejections', and to fill the void.

I've spent so much time walking with my eyes on the ground that I've forgotten that it's just as important to look up to see where I'm going. I've become so comfortable with my 'old' peers that the sudden detachment threw me into a depression, even as I frantically tried to hold on to shreds of my 'old' life. I forgot that my REAL friends are out there, and they are still with me.

I'm letting go of my past to appreciate the new scenery.


Let's just be friends.

He tried to call me again today. I've decided to reject all advances after his recent 'baby talk' convinced me that any more dates would officially constitute as 'leading him on'. I guess the last outing (during which he spent a bit too much time gazing at my chest) was the 'last chance' that most guys 'deserve' to have; and for myself, there was still no special feelings for him.

Anyway, I don't understand why he finds it appropriate to call me when he's high or hung over.

Questions first.

"Who I want to meet: Interesting people who have a past-time that they are truly passionate about - and not just because it's something they're doing because they have nothing else to look forward to in life, i.e. Single Despondent Uncles need not apply."

As I email and chat with other singles, I realise that many are looking for love - to fill a void. I avoid such people like the plague. I'm not saying it's unhealthy to WANT a serious relationship; just don't look for one to FILL a void. Consider these questions:

1) Do you feel you have nothing else to look forward to each day because it's always the same old routine and nothing exciting or 'different' seems to happen to you?

2) Do you feel that your days are meaningless because there doesn't seem to be a purpose to it all?

3) Do you feel that something is missing from your life?

4) Do you suppose you feel lonely because you are single?

5) Do you suppose that having a relationship would make the dull ache of this meaningless existence more bearable because you would no longer have to suffer on your own?

6) Do you suppose that experiencing another person on an intimate level will make up for your disconnection from your own consciousness and self?


"i find u really tink alot"

Sometimes, people shrug their indifference (they don't have an opinion), or brush me off for being 'cheem', or just return blank looks. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends - people who I can 'click' with, and who I can make 'strange' comments to and not have uncomfortable silence returned. And then sometimes, I meet the occasional person who tries to make himself out to be a 'thinker', but turns out to be a dud who thinks good, grammatic English is all there is to it, and it doesn't take long before the template responses meant to impress start sounding too familiar.

But really, after a while, doesn't all that talk about work and colleagues, the latest consumer products and social updates (read: who's getting married or just got a new job), fleeting from one mundane topic to another, scratching only at the outermost layers, just seem so...superficial and uninteresting? Perhaps, I just need to connect with people at a deeper level - not just emotionally. It has always been this way, and even more so now.

It's not that I no longer concern myself with daily living; I still do (and I'm sure my card company adores me). But I've felt a void in my life for the longest time. Ironically, it was only when I thought I had lost everything, with the break-up leaving behind a (even bigger) gaping hole in me, that I had the time and inclination to 'think', more. I'm just beginning to peel back the layers of understanding - not only to look at things from a different perspective or on a deeper level, but also to consider my own motivations, and not be too quick to judge people or blame external circumstances. Sometimes, it's almost as if I was being invigorated with each new understanding, and this has been especially welcome when I've been feeling down and lost; each realisation illuminates my path just a little more. Unfortunately, such is the slow and painstaking process of self-knowledge (for me at least) that you might only realise the import of events and see the bigger picture on hindsight, much, much later on.


"...how come u r still single at 31?"

(As if I have a choice. But anyway...)

Strangely enough, as I go deeper, my need for a relationship becomes an increasingly distant concern (though I continue to look around - just in case, and to, in SF's words, 'practise'). Perhaps, I'm not ready yet - it would be pointless to jump (or rebound) into another co-dependant or convenient relationship that eventually tires out both parties just as quickly. Or perhaps, I just haven't found another 'thinker'. (I think SF has spoilt the market. Heh.)

2003.

2003 was the year of changes; it was a time for learning and unlearning, new experiences, self-knowledge, and the remaking and unmaking of myself and my relationships. I don't think I had much of a 'real' choice in what happened - the paths I've walked were in a sense, inevitable. But also, I tried to understand why this journey (as opposed to the other non-choice of just drifting along) with its myriad paths that crossed or led to one another, is a worthwhile one - though now, it consumes all my energy as I struggle past the clutter of my old self to emerge to the other side.

It's inevitable too that my interactions with people would undergo major changes - I define and am defined by my relationships. Though I count few as my friends, my relationships tend to be intense - while they last, anyway. The end of a love relationship started a chain reaction of changes. In the past year and a half, I lost my soulmate, saw a long friendship sorely tested, and recently broke personal ties with a friend.

Of the dear friend and lover, enough has been written. I have moved on in my own time. Perhaps, a few chance encounters (depending on whether you believe in coincidences), brief as they were, helped me to loosen my desperate grip on the past, and gave me the newfound confidence to venture into the uncertain future.

Of the decade long friendship that tried, and is still trying, to become something else, let's just say a one-legged race is not everyone's cup of tea. Making his intentions known so soon after the break-up was a miscalculated risk - my affections are not elastic - but Sean said, after everything, that he had suspected this even while we were still together. Unfortunately, my first instinct in such situations is to bolt - a misfired SMS from yours sincerely led to his self-righteous denials and drunken confessions. Though I wished I could have handled this without hurting my friend, albeit unintentionally, things that I shouldn't have said (well, not in the aforementioned manner anyhow) led to other things that he shouldn't have said. The subsequent time-out has allowed some wounds to heal, but I know he's not what I need and want in my life - let's just say it's a difference in personalities; he might be the same person, but I've changed, especially in the last year. So, I don't understand why this situation is still hobbling along, in spite of the uncanny coincidences that have happened. And because he's not aware of the events on my side, he is convinced that those that he is aware of signal that the situation is in his favour. Sigh. Perhaps, the lesson is no longer meant for me.

Of the friendship that is no more, it has been two years in the unmaking. It need not have ended the way it has. I realised things about myself that are not flattering, which I'm ashamed of and am trying to understand and unlearn. People ask me if the situation could have been salvaged otherwise - probably not. Though I should not have stirred the pot - who am I to judge another - what bubbled up was not pleasant. I guess a friendship of mutual convenience, albeit an inequitable one, would not have worked in the long term, especially when the one in the backstage starts to shine, to the envy and bitter resentment of the one who has always been in the spotlight. "You have everything now. Let me have something to call my own."

In the midst of all these, another long friendship was deepened and the bond strengthened, and it continues to help me to understand what has happened, and to teach me about myself.

On to lighter matters, the third date for the year did happen - not with the person I thought, who's really not worth all that inexplicable and tiring hit-and-run messaging anyway. The guy (from Friendster) was pleasant company, and though I don't think anything romantic would happen, we still chat online. It's actually nice when people are still interested in you as a person, even though you are a few centimetres taller than them, in flats.

Going into 2004, I'm mentally prepared but also more anxious about what awaits me - more changes, more upheavals, but hopefully, better tidings? I guess it can't be that bad when you already have two dates lined up in January. Heh.